There are ten here, but dozens that I could have included. Whilst there’s no accounting for taste, there appear to be some universal rules about what makes a kit truly terrible: attempts to make kit that fans can wear as casual gear (they’re going to wear it anyway, what difference does it make?), luminous colours, brown, grey, all goalkeepers’ kits since 1990, colours that sports teams don’t usually wear (there’s a reason everyone opts for blue, red, black etc…), anything from the ‘70s, anything ‘modern’ or for the ‘youth’ market (or a marketing man’s idea of what that is).
Take a look at this list and suggest some shockers of your own.
Denver Broncos: 1960-62 (1962-96)
As a part of this year’s celebrations of 50 seasons since the American Football League began (originally a rival, it merged with the NFL in 1970), the original eight AFL teams have been wearing throwback uniforms in selected matches. Unfortunately, this has meant a renaissance for the hideous brown and mustard yellow Denver Broncos kit, which was so unloved that when it was ditched after two seasons, it was burned at a public bonfire.
The Broncos then changed to their ‘classic’ bright orange jerseys with powder blue helmets. Not a great look either, but at least it wasn’t brown. Is it coincidence that the Broncos only broke their Super Bowl duck in 1997 when they changed to navy blue? Probably. Still a wise move though.
Scotland rugby team: 1998-2000
In 1998 some bright spark decided to replace Scotland’s traditional white change strip with a bright orange one. Thankfully it didn’t last. This kit was so terrible, that hardly any pictures of it can be found on the internet. But try as they might, the Scottish RFU can't pretend it didn't happen.
Stade Francais: 2005-present
Stade President Max Guazzini has, to his credit, turned a lower league side into one of Europe’s biggest rugby clubs. However, he is also a shameless publicist. Since 2005, he has committed he club to a new shirt every year, often the work of fashion designers, and incorporating the brightest colours possible. It has worked, Stade’s kit regularly gets headlines around the rugby world, but it is a shame that their old jersey, navy blue with red lightning bolts, has been forgotten.
Manchester United: 1995-96
This infamous grey kit took the blame when United lost 3-1 to Southampton in 1995. The players claimed that they could not pick each other out from the crowd, resulting in a 3-0 deficit at half-time, when they changed to their third strip and pulled a goal back, but it was too little, too late. The fact that they usually play in front of thousands of fans all wearing replica kits, presumably making their red shirts hard to pick out, was never raised.(Picture: Umbro/Flickr)
England football team: 1996
What is it with Umbro and grey kits? After the Manchester United debacle, they decided that what England fans wanted was a kit that would go well with jeans. Nevermind that England’s traditional red away kit was worn in the 1966 World Cup final. One semi-final defeat to Germany in Euro ’96 later, and red was reinstated.(Picture: Umbro/Flickr)
New Zealand cricket team: 1980s
The 1980s, the early years of coloured kits in cricket. Each side needed a colour and an identity. New Zealand’s idea of an identity? Beige.
To be fair, it has enjoyed a renaissance as an ironic look for the Kiwi answer to the Barmy Army, the Beige Brigade, and the national side seemed to enjoy wearing beige as a one-off for a Twenty20 match in 2005, but for all concerned, I think it’s best left to the fans.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 1976-1996
The now legendary ‘creamsicle’ uniforms were worn by the Buccaneers for the first twenty years of their existence. This period saw them produce the first winless season of the Super Bowl era, and it took them 26 games over two years before they won a game. Even the picture of a Buccaneer on the helmet looked more like a camp cavalier. This ignominious history earned them the nickname, ‘the Yuks’, which was not helped by their horrific uniforms. Like the Broncos, they changed their colours, and within a few years, won a Super Bowl.
What’s even more mystifying is that they brought the colours back this year for a game against Green Bay. Unlike the former AFL teams, who had a reason to be wearing throwback jerseys, the Buccaneers had none. That said, it did bring their first win of the season, maybe unsurprising, given that their opponents were presumably playing with their eyes closed.
Cameroon football team: 2004
First they tried sleeveless shirts in 2002, but FIFA banned them. Undeterred, Puma decided to push their luck and produced an all-in one kit for Cameroon’s 2004 African Cup of Nations campaign. FIFA, realising that this heinous crime against football was the most important issue that they had to face, and more threatening to the fabric of the game than controversies over drugs, club debt, the trafficking of young players or video technology, banned it again, and deducted points from Cameroon’s World Cup qualifying campaign. Although the points were later returned, never let it be said that FIFA don’t clamp down on the big problems in the modern game. Aesthetically, this kit is fine, but one that costs its side six points is not worth the trouble.
Goalkeepers: since 1990
Goalkeepers have a rough deal. Whilst the outfield players grab all the glory, they are pilloried for making one mistake. Meanwhile, those pesky outfielders also went and reserved all the good colours, leaving some shockers for their colleagues between the posts. England ‘keepers of the '90s fared especially badly, though Mexican goalie Jorge Campos is right up there with them.
Denver Nuggets: 1980s
US sports teams produced some shockers in the '70s and '80s, but this ticks my box for anything attempting to look ‘modern’.
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